Friday, March 23, 2012

::Friday Rants and letting an 80yo punk me::

You know you’re having an emotional day when you leave the gym almost in tears because an 80 year old woman stole your swimming lane! True story, and unfortunately,  it’s my story. ha! At the same time I want to laugh about this dumb story, I also want to cry. Not because she “stole” my lane, not because I left the gym without working out, but because I gave up on myself! I should have stuck it out and waited for another lane, but this would lead to another wonderful story about how I don’t have patience. The little I have is mostly used on my children and husband, therefore everyone else is not in favor.

Do you ever want to kick your own ace!?! Sounds silly, but why can’t we take the advice we give to others? It is so easy to tell others what they should be doing and how to do it, but so hard to get our own selves going and to figure out what we are doing. I used to be so sure of myself and my answers, and never doubted myself. I miss that girl and I am on a mission to get her back.

The last five years of my life have been crrrraaazzy. Wes and I joke saying we count our marriage in dog years but that is truly what it feels like at times. ( dog years: marriage years x7. 5x7=35!) We have been through so much in five years, more that most people deal with in a lifetime. To fast forward through the years this is how it went down:

2006: meet, get engaged. 2007: Feb, while planning wedding Wes gets weird itching illness no one can tell us what is wrong. May: find out im pregnant, (oh crap) July: wes: gets worse, Aug: Wes is diagnosed with Cancer. Hodkins lymphoma stage 2b. we get married at the court house earlier than expected (aug 15)so he could be double insured through my job. Sept: Wes starts chemo, our landlord (my mother) give us a move-out date of Oct 1st ( while were in Hawaii) Sept. 23 2007 Our wedding date. Oct, come home from Hawaii and finish moving to new house. 2008: Jan 30th, my Logan man was born. Feb: wes finished chemo, March: move again because we realized how much cancer cost us.. ( might as well have taken my right arm!) Wes commuted 250 miles to work for three years while living there. (I don’t know how single parents do it) I start my business in July of 2009, that got crazy in 2010 when we also welcomed a new baby girl, Bailey and then we moved again in 2011. Are ya still with me?!?! Holly moley, right!

So that would be why we count our marriage in dog years! Heck, things could have gone a lot worse, a lot! We are so thankful for all of our outcomes, it has made us the people we are today. We are far from perfect on the marriage petal stool, but we love each other and took vows for better or worse, which I am pretty sure we have seen both. Going through everything made me different. It made me look at life different, it made me appreciate what and who I have, but it also made me fearful.

I always thought I was invisible, nothing would ever happen to me or my family. I was slapped in the face with reality on that August morning in 2007. We aren’t invisible. Things do happen when we least expect it. But it is our choice weather we are going to conquer it or let it take us over. Our experience broke me, it made me softer, it changed me. I don’t want to say for better or worse because I don’t think there is such a thing. I sometime struggle with this person I have become, but I am comforted knowing that things happen for a reason and I am not in control. I have struggled lately looking back at the last five years and wondering where the heck they went. Our lives are finally slowing down and dropping back into first gear , I forgot what this felt like. I forgot what it felt like to enjoy life. 

Life is great. My kids are my world and my husband is the best man God could have given me, even though I sometimes have to remind myself of this.

I guess the point of this post for me was: a.) for me to vent, and b.) for you to know that everyone is not perfect, Just because you never see someone struggle doesn’t mean they don’t. Embrace what you have in YOUR life. Pick apart yourself, and what you don’t like, make it BETTER. When bad things happen, look them in the face without fear and know you WILL win! We are the captain of our own ships. Steer that puppy to do awesome things… you can do that!

This morning I failed myself by letting a little 80 year old woman punk me! What I should have done was smiled and waited for another lane ( yes on deck in my bathing suit.. umm, I'm no Cindy Crawford) but instead I gave up and came home. So after I eat my In n Out for lunch, I shall return back to the pool. ( for real)

We only have one life, lets make it a fun ride.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I did a long post and it didn't post. Let me try again. I am a lot like you with my patience but also like you and 'age" I'm doing better. Being a single mom for 8 years definatley hasn't helped my stress level, but I am adjusting each second, minute, hour and on and on that goes by. My mom was NOT a patient woman and so I think that it rubbed off on me. Of cousre, I'm 43 so I am responsible for my own choices now. I loved reading your post and had no idea what you had went through. I think you are great. I would never have guessed you were short in the patience area. Thank you for sharing and keep up the good work.

Jennifer Rangel